HiveComb

Ah, good old expectations. So easy to create, so hard to adjust, almost impossible to have them match reality. All those self-help-crook-books seemingly teaching you how to be confident? Most of them just have you create expectations. In yourself, because you're the best. From others, because you tell them you're the best because you think you successfully convinces yourself of that. Spoiler: You're not.

Key to expectation management is being aware of one's self. Yes, weird writing, but it's important. If you're not conscious about it, you are more likely to project your values onto others, instead of seeing them as the other that they are. They're different. If you assimilate them to your self, you'll have the expectations that they're indeed more like you than they really are. Boom, disappointment incoming!

Knowing yourself helps you getting to know others for real.

Ellie and I met as friends. We didn't date. Later, we got drunk once, attraction was there, sex was amazing, but we kept it casual. Until we didn't. But we got to know each other without any intention. No need to hide anything. Gentle discussions about values and ideas as pillow talk. Honest openness.

Being real keeps expectations in line.

It worked like a charm, still does, almost 6 years later. There is no need to hide if the other already knows where you are. Interestingly, one of the things that I talked about with her is that I prefer to have an open relationship. Which is nothing common around here at all, and led to a few discussions (the latter bringing us closer as we got to know each other a little more). She's okay with it under some terms, knowing that it might cause some turmoil, but if anything ever happens - nothing in the last 6 years... -, we'd sort it out somehow.

And I felt fine with it.

As mentioned, though we agreed, I haven't been with another woman since. I think it was more about having the possibility. That if something happens for whatever reason, it won't immediately be the end of everything. An expectation managed and set, rules established. If it really happens to either of us, we're not to blame.

Interruption: I admit that I blamed someone for something I did recently. Lily and I were snuggling on the bed, I was reading to her after lunch, and I launched a terrible gas attack on our noses. As soon as I crept into our nostrils, I shouted disgusted: "Lily! You farted!" She laughed and denied it fiercely, stating that it was me. An then, when my fart had faded, I just heard that sound and her giggling, while shouting: "Dad! You farted!"
Fair play. Her fart was way, way worse though, as to be expected given her eating animal protein.

Blame is an interesting twist in expectations. Most people blame the other for not meeting their expectations, but never themselves when they create those expectations either out of thin air or based on their own self, not the other. It's something I try to pursue vigorously - finding out why I had certain expectations, and if they were called for or not.

Expectations are our own responsibility. Managing them through communication is, too. We can't do anything against a liar or someone who tricks us, artificially changing our expectations. But we can learn from that.

It's not so much about having low or high expectations, but adequate ones. Knowing what and who you're dealing with, and using your experience to adapt yourself to the situation. And take lessons out of every disappointment.

What are your thoughts about this topic? Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics. I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI.

Post written for the #weekend-engagement by @galenkp inviting us to answer selected questions in the Weekend Experiences community each week.

This is my response to:

1/ Do you have a high expectation of people around you and have you been let down because of it? Do you have a low expectation of others to protect yourself against being let down? Explain either way.

3/ Monogamy or polygamy? Do you have thoughts on why one is better or preferable to the other? Explain.

4/ The blame game...have you ever falsely blamed someone for something that was actually your own fault or responsibility? Explain.

Thank you for reading!