HiveComb

I once took the Myers-Briggs personality test sometime in 2020 I think. Then, it seemed so accurate and tailored to me. But taking it again this year and I wonder if this is proof I needed that personalities aren’t fixed and they can change. Previously, it showed I was ISPT something, and frankly, I don’t remember the questions or what the personality said in detail, but I remember agreeing with them because that was who I was at that moment. This year though, I am an INFP-T.

When I read this paragraph, I was stunned. I’m sure those who read my blog know how emotional I can be with my words. So much so that I have been called out for it, letting my cards show too much in public. I am, without doubt, very sentimental and it shows in the way I do things. I am very sensitive and tend to let it get the best of me. I’m not sure how much of that is good or bad. It sure has gotten me into a lot of trouble.

What did I just say at the top? See that last paragraph, I sure did a lot of that this year and I got hurt by it. Not just this year too, but most of my life, and only recently did I learn to start setting boundaries. I let the negativity I didn’t need from people cloud my judgement, most of all, I let my stress act as the drug that ruined relationships I liked or wanted but we live, we love and we learn.

Here is another secret. I can’t pretend to be what I am not and I can’t pretend to like things I don’t. If I do, sooner or later, you will see the real me. A friend told me that a few things they are doing, they do for the sake of healing and I was genuinely happy for them. It doesn’t mean I will do the same though. I don’t know how to pretend that everything is okay. I may ignore the problem or even walk away from it, but I won’t take it and smile.

I wonder sometimes if I am even cut out to be who I want to be years from now. If I can’t put on a fake smile for the heck of it, can I ever create a smokescreen to throw my enemies off guard? I wear my thoughts on my sleeves with my actions. Words are so easy to use and why I try not to make promises. I just do it. I was telling my friend this morning around 2am, how I talk to myself and act out thoughts in my head to arrive at a conclusion. Someone asked me if I'd still be in a relationship if my significant other were to hear my thoughts and I replied he’d likely have a heart attack. My thoughts, I’m even laughing thinking about it, are dark and very heavy. No one but my diary knows my true honest thoughts about everything in my life. Despite all that, I believe in the light I see years from now. This is why I wrote a book and why I am interested in the human mind. The mind fascinates me because how can one person be two different people at the same time?

Sometimes I ask myself if I truly know my purpose. Am I being who I am called to be or have I decided to just take a path because I don’t want to face the truth which is I may be lost? That is a question that rings in my mind daily. A friend said that she realised we have entered into that phase of our lives where we question everything, even the things we know.

I see that it’s true. I am questioning everything and unfortunately, my faith has been under such scrutiny too. Which is why I said my thoughts are heavy. The questions that ruminate there daily are not average and the answers that come with them are always questionable themselves. So I guess, I am an INFP-T.

This is my response to the 29th Day of the INLEO monthly initiative.
ALL IMAGES ARE SCREENSHOTS FROM THIS SITE.