HiveComb

I've seen a lot of grief books about coping and dealing with the loss of a loved one. Stories, tributes, and poems filled with promises and declarations of a love that will never be forgotten. I have yet to see a book on "Things that I really wanted to say but couldn't any more". Perhaps there are some but very few. It is easy to assume that every person who passed is being mourned by someone they had a long, meaningful, and loving relationship with. People are complicated. And relationships are just as complicated as grief. In this lifetime, it's just not easy to get along with people due to expectations and wanting to be treated like special. Whether it’s a friend, a family, or a partner, it can be very hard to maintain a perfect relationship no matter how hard you try. Not every relationship is smooth or free of conflict.

I had been living with this idea that perhaps someday...someday things will get better. Until that someday disappears. There will never be a chance to reconcile anymore. I simply can't turn back time to make things right. I lose the hope that things can ever be right between us.

I guess it is human to feel ambivalent. There had been problems and the rule of the world is not to speak ill of the dead. But I've finally expressed some of my mixed feelings to a close friend. I have to let go. I have to let go of that emotional baggage that is weighing me down all my life.

Right now, my grief is overwhelming. But I choose to focus on the good things and the early memories that will maximize the positive more than the negative. The body remembers everything. Holding on to the pain will not do any good. Any unresolved issues, anger, and unfinished business will impede the natural healing. As I read more articles about grief, I learned that I am not alone who suffered from guilt, shame, and regret. I feel a little bit better now than yesterday. This time, I need to live with forgiveness in my heart and stop identifying with the pain. I am not the pain anymore. I'm old enough not to take everything against my past. I need to start taking responsibility for my own actions and words from now on. I am not my past anymore.

Letting go is probably one of the difficult things to do in grief. Letting go takes some real reflection and an honest desire to move past what never was and move on to what can be. I want to embrace compassion for myself and for the dead loved one. I let forgiveness rule my heart though there are still some things that I couldn't accept, saved in the vault of my memories. It is fine to love someone even if I am still angry at them. It is fine to love someone but not like their choices and decisions in life. It is fine to feel pain. It is fine to be aware of what I shouldn't be and use that to become a better person to the remaining loved ones. One by one I can drop these heavy bricks that I might carry for days, months and years. I can choose to forgive and let go, and not give the dead loved one control over my own happiness even after her death. Nothing is easy. Healing involves time and patience, and most of all, finding compassion for myself and for the person who is gone. It takes deep understanding and inner work, and I should just take it day by day. I know I will get there someday. Grief is part of the learning process and growth. Every event in life is just part of the journey to becoming a better and a more loving person to those around me.