I was - I suppose, what you could consider the “black sheep” of my family. I broke just about every rule and anybody that ever tried to control me, not only lost the battle, but lost me in the process too. There has been a lifetime of moments which broke me, and yes – plenty which contributed to the making of me but if I really dissect it all – there is only one moment which I can unquestionably say was the “Becoming” of me – and that was the birth of my son. That moment not only changed my life completely but it also made me realise that there was no option left BUT to stand up, step up and be the person my child needed me to be. I have said it before and I will say it again - He did not ask to be here.

It is no secret that my marriage was falling apart at the time I fell pregnant. It was a toxic and ugly space and I will admit that I was literally fearful of bringing a child into that equation and considered more than once, a cowards way out. Almost twelve years of motherhood are validation that I didn’t bow out. I suppose in a manner of speaking my utter desperation opened a door for me and the hell that was my life came to an end. It was from that moment forward that I began learning how to become a mother to a son and to find my own centre.

Nothing is EVER a straight line, it was a messy time in my life – but I managed to navigate my way through it and Jude was my rudder. Unless you are one of those people who really doesn’t care on any level at all… a child does not actually permit you to be anything other than the best you can. Don’t get me wrong – I fail at it every single day… but I learn every day too… the point is you keep trying and striving to grow the “YOU” that you want those little eyes to look up to and respect and you cannot do that without actually changing who you are, working actively at healing your wounds, controlling your own “inner child” and doing what you know in your heart is the right thing to do in specific situations which involve them as well as in your own adult life.

As I sit here and write this, the hairs on my arms stand on end and I want to cry, because with all the grief I gave my own parents and the chaos and turmoil I ignited growing up, I was blessed with an angel. Everything about him and his presence has made me a better person, a stronger person and a wiser person. I process this, truly absorb it and I cannot even put into words how utterly blessed I feel to have a rock like that in my life. I have mentioned this before too – but I was told many years ago that Jude is here to guide me, to make me slow down and appreciate what is truly important in life. If I could go back to that woman and tell her just how accurate I now know she was when delivering that message to me as I held my six month old baby in my arms, I would.

I know how many cracks I have and how much of my life I have had to process along the way. We are always presented with choices. Shortly after my divorce, my ex actually sought my counsel in dealing with the problems he faced in the relationship he had with the woman he left me and his two month old son for. Did I do it? I did. I was presented with a choice and I made the decision to walk a higher road. What was done was done, past is past, I had already disconnected myself from him on any emotional level and doing what I did “for him” was also an act of showing myself my own strength as an individual. Doing that helped me prove to myself that I really was no longer under his thumb and that perhaps, I never was – he just manipulated me into believing I was.

“Nature is at all times unequivocal; its secrets, so difficult to decode, lay open to the eye. It is otherwise with the fullness of being of the soul. It never exhausts itself as having come into existence; rather, it passes through this level of determination and exhaustion only to return again to a process of becoming, to a living actuality. From an unfathomable primordial source, interior being [innern], the soul's difficult-to-comprehend forms climb into the light of consciousness where they dissolve again like all genuine creations of the night. The soul is at all times ambiguous; before every attempt to unravel its secrets, it retreats back to the depths.” ― Helmuth Plessner

I dated a guy once who had pretty much been given everything he could ever had wanted “materialistically” speaking but he had grown up lacking the one thing which is the primary foundation of our makeup - LOVE. I went for dinner at his father’s house once. He got upset with me for “getting along” with his dad and new wife. We spoke about his and my parents afterward and I will never forget what he said to me. “How can you forgive them after everything they have put you through?!” - My answer to that was, “How can I not?!” - Life does not come with a handbook and as I listened to that question, all I could think was about how many mistakes I had already made as a mother to Jude – dating him, included in that basket!

We live – we learn! The objective being that we actually DO learn and grow from that… become better versions of ourselves. The choices we are presented with in life are an integral part of our “becoming”. Every second of every day presents us with choice and therefore an opportunity to step up to a higher vibration and frequency.

“There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who do not. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.” ― José N. Harris

I no longer have space in my life for people and situations which I find abrasive to my soul… Funny thing that, when my mom was alive but busy dying without any of us knowing, I can remember how strongly she grew distaste for anything or anyone who bred disharmony - She wanted no part in ANY of it, denied it with EVERY fibre of her being. Sometimes I would tease her about wearing “rose tinted glasses”, but just a handful of months later she was dead and now I understand it with GREAT WEIGHT… because when you KNOW your time is up, NONE of the shit matters! NONE OF IT, not one single part! Being right, having your say, getting the last word in, justifying your opinion, arrogance, ego, annoyance, fighting, bickering – nothing! NONE of it matters!!!!

The only thing that matters is enjoying and LIVING every single moment, making the best of it ALL because you just don’t know how many more you have. The Becoming of you to me, means positively growing into the best version of yourself and you can only do that when you have your priorities in the right order and to achieve that successfully, you have to be willing to let go of the parts of your character which you have allowed to develop, but simply ROB you of yourself.

You need to stand up, face it all head on - OWN YOURSELF, state your case - out loud if you have to... but you need to do it. FACE YOURSELF. See yourself for who and what you truly are. Deny anything which is not true to you and then move forward so you can continue your becoming. Short of that - you will stand in the same place and that will get you nowhere ;)

❤❤❤

Until next time...
Much Love from Cape Town, South Africa xxx
Jaynielea

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