Mental health issues are the most underestimated health condition ever, this is probably because no one likes to be seen as "mentally ill".

Discrimination is realer than ever

The society is biased and not empathetic with people going through stuffs upstairs. Infact this is mostly why people just keep things to themselves rather than actually talking about it.

They're afraid of being the only one in that dark corner. I was talking to someone I haven't spoken to in almost 3 years, I told them I didn't like how they never cared when I was in my darkest moment, and of course they defended themselves with multiple issues of own, but admitted that as friends they should have reached out.

In reality what I wanted to do was to declutter.

I've been trying to accept a lot of things in my life, and I'm grateful for having to. With each of my hospital visits, I'm grateful for everyday I get to spend with my family, I get to appreciate every morning I wake up, every kidney inflammation that recover, every anemia that gets better, and getting to deal with the "what ifs" thoughts that invades my thought.

Mentally I'm in a better place than I was 3 years ago. Although whenever I look at the mirror, the person that stares back isn't the guy I used to look like 4 to 5 years ago.

I ate poorly 4 to 5 years ago, never took care of my health, but I looked extremely well and good, but fast-forward to today, I eat better, take care of my health, yet I still don't look as good as I did 5 years ago.

There are visible facial creaks, a few grey strands of hair, noticeable facial sockets and loss of chunks of flesh. My beard got thicker and thinner, and skin got darker even when it was visibility lighter in the past.

Definitely not a sight I thought I'd see. While I like to think it's aging, I just think realistically it's the issues with recurrent depression and how I've dealt with it very poorly.

You can literally eat well, but when the mind isn't as great, it hardly effects you well. The growth, wellness and beauty of anyone starts with their mental wellness and not really the food or the external therapy.

A lot of people underestimate how well they need to be for every other treatment to work. It's hard to tell someone who has emotionally clocked out of life to wear perfumes or to wear a smile. Life becomes grey: you're struggling to keep up, struggling to fit in and struggling to find someone who can also relate with your struggles.

Final thoughts

However, I'm lucky that I get to understand the futility of life and focus on the things that matters.

I have been angry with a few people that are close to me probably because they didn't reach out in my moment of pain and choas, and that's probably because I want to make peace with myself as I continue this journey.

It's important to declutter all that sadness and pain and choas as I continue to learn and seek for peace and clarity.