A day of void and emptiness - A page of my "Depressive Diary"
Suddenly, today I realized that my life has become boring and meaningless. Meaningless is a big word with a significant meaning but truth is truth. I find this time of my life boring because every day is almost similar, tons of appointments, treatment processes, follow-up further treatment updates, refugee life issues, and complaints go on. It's like this time never gonna end. I recently started thinking about how meaningless my life is. Life without aims or goals is actually meaningless. There is nothing I can't think of making my life worthy or meaningful.
This strange thought process has been continuing for many months. Although I am attending all the therapies and taking prescribed medications for my psychological issues, I still have a long way to go. A few days ago, I managed enough courage to talk and share about my treatment process with one of my friends. In my mind, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to share a little bit of my life with my old friend but it was a mistake. I forgot that no matter how much my life changed, I shouldn't expect that others would understand the situation of my life. My friend cannot even imagine how my life could be; all she understands is that I am staying in Europe, seeing many places so what's with the psychological problem? There is nothing called a psychiatric issue, she doesn't even understand the word called psychology. After talking to her, it made me wonder about our friendship. I actually questioned myself about our friendship.
The entire conversation actually made me upset. I was not upset with her, I was upset about our conversation. I think the difficulties of my life taught me the reality of life, I saw and experienced a lot of circumstances and those made me who I am. I guess currently my perspective on life is completely different than others especially when I compare myself with my country's people. I am not limited, I am mature enough to understand other people's sadness or words.
My physiotherapy started yesterday, the clinic is not far from my living place; it takes only 10 minutes by bus and the location is nice. From the bus station, I have to walk around 8-10 minutes to reach the clinic. I actually walk slowly when I go to the clinic because the area's surroundings are so nice. Even during a gloomy rainy day, I bet the area still looks pretty.
Sometimes I find it quite difficult to have a good day, stress covers me tightly, and grabs my body so that I can't be free. These kinds of days, feelings are strange, so intense that sometimes I lose my thinking capability. Treatment helps a lot, when I talk to my therapist, I feel relieved. I feel lonely always because I don't have friends here with whom I can meet in person sometimes or talk using my own language. You also miss your childhood friends or college friends with whom you grew up and suddenly lose connection. My therapist says it's emptiness; a giant void created in me, unfortunately.
Feeling empty and void has some benefits though; you don't feel anything. When I feel empty, I feel nothing, to be honest. No sadness, no stress, no thoughts, nothing. It's a sign of depression my doctor told me but I thought it was a healing process. When I attend the appointment with the trauma couch, I always learn something. She helps me to focus on myself, to heal, and to see this world in a different way.
Anyway, today is another day. I guess I am just writing a diary on blockchain. It's been a while since I wrote this kind of post, this post doesn't have any significant meaning. I am fighting with myself, every day to get better...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thoughts easily...
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Comments
25 commentsThanks for sharing this diary!
Fight, Priyan! 🪷🪷🪷
I will Asia...
Thank you @ewkaw and @qurator
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Thank you...
To be able to fill before you have to empty. It feels strange, because it is not our natural state. But it's a sign that you're on the right track. Keep walking, you will soon start to fill in a different way than before. Better. A big hug. ❤️
That's the only hope because I have been noticing my strange behavior for a couple of weeks. There are not enough words to explain the feelings and emotions I am having right now. It's not obsessive or impulsive and it scares me because I can't recognize myself properly...
The process is very long but like you said, I am on the right track...
Thank you for taking the time to read my post dear, have a nice weekend...
This says it all and I'm glad to see it written down. Healing is a process and takes time. Once you start getting better (although I think the process has started already), you'll have more energy, more focus on things and that emptiness will be filled with plans. You'll get busy and forget about these phases. It's going to happen, just don't give up. You get the help you need and change is coming. 🤗
That's the only hope and that's why until now I have attended all the appointments patiently...Yes, sometimes I really don't want to do any therapies or anything but I push myself to continue treatment for the future. At some point in life, I have to start over. I have to get rid of all the traumas to move forward in life...
Thank you so much Erikah...
Exactly! You have to get ready to start over, which is a process and therapy is part of that process.
You're not alone with this. I get up every morning and say today I'm on strike and don't want to do anything, but I know I'm going to do all the things on my list because I know that's the only way to achieve my goals.
Take care 🤗
Not all people have empathy, in life there are few people with whom we can sit down and talk.
I wish that my best wishes be with you for your well-being.
Take care.
That is true and I should understand that as well that my problems are really hard to understand. Thank you so much for being so supportive always...
I think it's a good sign that you feel relieved after talking with your therapist. You are hopefully offloading things instead of keeping it all in. Keep believing you will get there!
It takes time to open up infront of someone you don't know at all but also it's an advantage because the person sitting in front of you doesn't know you at all and won't judge you. I started this long journey willingly so I have to manage myself to move forward no matter what...
It's not meaningless when you give so much support yo other with your blog writing :-)
Emptiness means you just need a trigger to fill it up with good stuff.
Try not to be too harsh on your friend. Many countries are not so advanced in taking things like mental health issues seriously or understanding exactly what that means It takes a huge change in mindset and that takes time.
Sometimes, when parents of kids with adhd, autism etc., who come to our clinic say that progress is slow, I always suggest they look back and imagine what thi is would have been like without help and therapy.
From an outsiders view, from the first posts , out your issues when the war started, you've come a he'll of a long way :-)
Take care and be as well as you feel you can be :-)
Yes, true, and unfortunately not everyone understands war situations and traumas. I know that too but sometimes it hurts when people don't know how to deal with someone, of course it is all about culture. It hurts to be honest because I didn't expect that my friend would react to my conversation like this. I get so many text messages from relatives and friends and I don't reply to them anymore. Unfortunately, people only see the outside of me, and when someone says that I am really lucky that I am a refugee in Europe, it hurts somehow and I can't accept that. Maybe one day I will write elaborately the context jealousy and humiliation I faced after fleeing from the war...
Agree and I am happy that I asked for help at that time instead of staying silent. I grew up a lot mentally so I would say so far the treatment was successful...
I read this post a while ago, but then I got busy with Olivia and forgot about it (such is motherhood). Today I remembered it again and I take advantage of Olivia being asleep to hug you from a distance and tell you that you are so strong! That you can do it! Sometimes I feel like you, alone, and come on I have my husband and my baby here but I also miss my siblings, my friends, my mom, and I am sure that someday I will see them again.
Trust me I am feeling really happy to know that at least you remember my post because I can imagine mom's life only and many things get skip from mind so easily when you are busy with your toddler. You really understood my point and loneliness; the life I actually miss. Meeting friends and family always special and I actually miss my friends. How's Olivia doing? I bet she is growing so fast. Give my love to her dear...
That's right friend, so busy and tired that sometimes I feel guilty for feeling sad. I guess you and I just live in the now missing a lot of things.
Thanks for asking. We are doing well, Olivia recovering from the allergy dermatitis she has, but overall well, we are sure she will get over it soon. Yes, she is so big, I can't hold her in my arms much longer hahaha .
Dear @priyanarc , your words touched my heart. I feel your pain and struggles through your words . Keep writing and keep fighting , you deserve to be happy and fulfilled. Unfortunately not everyone understands the severity of psychological struggles and mental health problems , I know the feeling of opening up to someone and not get the support and understanding that you need. I'm hoping for better and brighter days for you. Don't give up 💕😍
Yes and I guess I also won't understand what others are going through unless they open up to me. I am not blaming anyone, it just makes me lonely and sad. This whole journey is mine and I have to do it alone I know. Thank you, my dear...
Dear @priyanarc . I feel similar things. I have been in Turkey for two years now. My life has changed so much. First the death of both my parents, then the war ... When the short-term joy of escaping from the war passed, a sense of the meaninglessness of life and emptiness came...
You have been going through a lot, I can understand your struggle. Beginning when I fled, I thought no matter what, my safety matters but gradually I started having difficulties with the new life which was full of uncertainty. It's really tough and hard to explain. I completely feel your emotions... Take care and stay strong...